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An Old Maid's Venture 

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An Old Maid's Venture 



A Comedy in One Act 



By 
ELMA M. LOGIE 



BOSTON 

WALTER H. BAKER & CO. 
1916 



4 ^ 



An Old Maid's Venture 



CHARACTERS 

Miss Mary Simpkins, an old maid. 
NORAH, an Irish servant. 
Frances Smith, the new boarder. 

Plays Thirty Minutes 




Copyright, i 916, by Walter H. Baker & Co. 






An Old Maid's Venture 



SCENE. — An old-fashioned parlor, scrupulously neat. Exit 
at back and side. Window with lace curtain fastened up 
with bows of ribboji. Piano or screen at o?ie side of stage. 
Centre table with marble top, with family Bible, photograph 
album, wax figures under glass. Oil painting on wall of 
lady and other old fashioned pictures. Tidies on chairs, 
mottoes on wall, many ornaments about, etc. 

(NoRAH discovered, dressed in a costume of various colors, 
colored stockings, gingham apron, bow on hair. In corner 
almost behind piano or screen dusting. Enter Miss Mary 
SiMPKiNS, abstractedly, dressed in old-fashioned dress, 
hair dressed tight at sides and pug at back, silk mils, a 
large side bag and keys hanging from her belt, little white 
apron. She looks around for dust, straightens tidy on 
chair, pets cat and begins to speak. As Norah hears the 
first few sefitences, she disappears from the old maid's 
view, listenifig, almost convulsed with laughter and mak- 
ing appropriate gestures.^ 

Miss S. {talking to cat). Tabby, all that is needed in this 
house is a man. The house is too neat, nothing around, noth- 
ing from the outside world to hear about and to cheer us up. 
If only Josiah hadn't gone (^sighing) and drownded himself on 
his last trip to sea, and there wa'n't a single man left in the 
village for me except Tom Judkins, and he ain't got enough 
gumption to marry nobody and never did have. (Looks cau- 
tions ly around.) I'll tell you a secret, Tabby. Maybe we 
won't be alone much longer. I got an idea last week and ad- 
vertised for a husband in that magazine I seen over at Miss 
Lee's. Where is that copy of what I sent? {Hunts in drawer 
of table.) It's gone ! I wonder if Norah has seen it. I vvouldn't 
have her know for nothin'. Oh, here it is. {Repeats to her- 
self.) ^'A nice maiden lady, who is lonely, age thirty-five 
(Fm fifty-five, Tabby, but that would look awful in print ; it 
would scare him), with money, a nice disposition, can come 
well recommended by the minister, has chickens, cows, a fairly 



4 AN OLD MAID S VENTURE 

competent Irish cook, wants a husband, the kind and loviii' 
variety preferred, — or else a boarder. (I thought Td better 
put that in; a boarder would be some comi)any and he'd be 
better than no naan around.) Address Ingleside, Vermont," 
New York City ain't so awful far. Seems as if we'd ought 'a' 
had an answer in a week. Maybe 1 didn't put in enough 
about myself. I should have told the color of my eyes, and 
that I was a pretty girl once. There might be a letter on 
to-night's mail. I dassent go up to the post-office again. I've 
been up there three times in two days, and Mr, Jones, the 
postmaster, asked me this mornin' what I was expectin', or if 
some of my relations was dyin'. I'll have to send Norah. 
{Calls.) Norah, Norah {impatiently), Norah ! 

NoRAH (aside). The saints presarve us ! {Slips out door, 
and enters hurriedly as if she had not been in room,) Yes, 
mum. I was out in the wood-shid and I was after thinkin* ye 
was caUin', mum, so I hurried right in. 

Miss S. Norah, please go up to the post-office at once and 
see if there is a letter for me. I am expectin' an important 
letter. And, Norah, if it's there tuck it in your waist. Don't 
let no one see you with it, and hurry right back. This may 
mean a great deal to me, Norah. 

Norah (^pretending ignorance). Shure, and ye don't mane 
it, mum ? A litter ! And who from ? 

Miss S. From — a — a — relative of mine. (^Sternly.) Your 
curiosity, Norah, is very unseemly for one in your position. 

Norah. Beggin' your pardon, mum. But I was just after 
thinkin' as how ye must be all of a narvous twitter, so to spake, 
mum. A litter's a thing that has niver coom to this mansion 
since I coom here, and that's eight years past. What with Tim 
so handy ( Claps hand over mouth.) 

Miss S. Norah, Tim — who is this ? — I have heard you speak 
this name before. (Norah blushes and twists apron,) Norah, 
tell me this instant, who is this Tim ? Is it a — a — person ? 

Norah (hesitating). It's a rihtive of moine, mum. ( Winks.) 
Shure (brightening up as she has an idea) it's me lame coosin. 
I goes over there avnins to help the poor childer since poor 
Tim's woife died. {Weeps.) Oh, mum, ye'd not be after 
askin' me to go back on Tim, would ye now? 

Miss S. {sympathetically). Certainly not, Norah. Comfort 
him all you can. I fen red for a moment that he was not a 
relative of yours. I see 1 was wrong. Hurry back from the 
post-office, Norah. I'll wait up for you. 



AN OLD MAID S VENTURE 5 

NoRAH (as Miss S. goes out). Shure, and me connoivin' 
in nie brain a scheme to go out and do an irrand so's to see 
Tim whin he goes by on his bate. I couid niver be after tellin' 
the missus that Tim's me swateheart, and her fifty-foive and 
niver had a foine-lookin' Oirishman like Tim payin* her attin- 
tions. {Puis on shawl and hat trim7ned in many colors?) 
Shure, and I don't know what he sees in me, but he says I'm 
handsome. {Hears whistle outside.^ Shure, and there he is 
now, bless his soul. {Goes out singing,) Oh, me luve's loike 
the ocean, me luve's loike the ocean. 

Miss S. {in bathrobe, nightcap, carrying a candle). Oh, 
my heart is all of a flutter. Supposin' a colored man should 
answer my letter and rob us when he finds out we are two lone, 
defenceless women. Oh, dear ! Or a horrid man should come 
with a dog which would chew Tabby up. I should have asked 
him in my advertisement to be sure and arrive in the daytime. 
What if he should come to-night? {Tries locks of windows, 
etc. Simpers,') I wonder if he will bring me flowers, and I 
do hope he will bring the ring. I think I would rather have a 
pearl. {Noise outside.) Oh, oh, what's that? He's come, 
and he's a robber. I know he will kill us. 

(Seizes feather duster and stands at door ready for action.') 

NoRAH {as a kiss and a slap is heard), Shure, and ye do 
be after takin' awful liberties lately, Tim. Miss Simpkins 
won't be after wantin' me mooch langer. She's after hoontin' 
hersilf a hoosband, Tim. 

Miss S. {terror-stricken). Oh, Norah, is he colored? What 
shall we do? Get the pohceman. He'll rob us. 

Nor AH. Shure, and there's no nigger out there nor no rob- 
ber ayther, mum. Ye're excoited, mum. It was only me 
coosin. He hobbled down a ways with me to talk business. 
We coom near settlin' impartant matters to-night, mum. 
{Winks,) But here's yer litter, mum, from Boston. 

Miss S. {eagerly, as Norah takes letter from her waisty 
Oh, from my — my — relative. (Norah goes out very much 
amused. Miss S. opens letter and reads, giggling.) ''Dear 
Miss Simpkins : I read your advertisement and I, too, am 
lonely. 1 would like very much to come to Ingleside as a 
{sinking back disappointed) boarder for the summer on trial. 
{Simpers,) If we suit each other, we can then make a more 
permanent arrangement in the fall. I shall come at once un- 
less I hear from you. Sincerely yours, Francis W. Smith." 



6 AN OLD MAID S VENTURE 

We suit each other, a more permanent arrangement — why, that's 
really a proposal. (/// ecstasies y then collapses.^ Norah, quick, 
water, 1 think I'm goin' to die. 

Nor AH (j'ushing in with a pitcher of water and a glass ; 
taking letter and reading it while Miss S. is overcome. Aside,) 
Great hivins ! He's coomin' ! Shure, mum, and I don't won- 
der ye're overcoom. I am mesilf. You'll coom to, presently, 
mum. (^Innocently,') What's the matter, mum? Bad noos 
in yer litter, mum? 

Miss S. {aside). I must tell her ; there is not a minute to 

lose. Somebody — somebody is coming soon, Norah — a — a 

{Aside,) How can I tell her? It's a gentleman, Norah. We 
must think of his comfort. What would he like? 1 can't re- 
member what men do like. 1 do hope, though, that they like 
cats. 

Norah. Shure, and they all do, mum. Me brothers luved 
them, mum. They used to spind all their avnins peggin' stones 
at thim on the back fince. Shure, and me good mother could 
niver get thim boys in, they liked cats so powerful well. And 
shure, mum, maybe he'll be after smokin', so we'll get him an 
ash-tray and some noospapers — some of thim owld wanes in the 
wood-shid will do, mum — and pie and cake and tobacco and 
doughnuts and 

Miss S. Yes, and I must wear my black silk and a pink 
ribbon in my hair. He would want me to look nice. I had 
better go and dress. He might come to-night. 

Norah. Shure and he moight. Indade, mum, and ye moost 
put on your very bist. He'd be per tickler how you looked. 

Miss S. {tur?ii?ig back in the doorivay). And oh, yes, 
Norah, put a new^ ribbon on Tabby. I shall hate him if he 
doesn't love my dear little pet. And the guest room, is that 
ready, Norah? And I think I'll get out that house coat of 
Uncle Joe's I have in the attic and his slippers. We must 
make him very comfortable so he'll like to stay. Oh, dear, 
there is so much to do, and I'm so excited. 

NoRAH. Shure, and this do bate all; wait until Mr. Fran- 
cis Smith sees the noice lady, thirty-foive, and we'll have to be 
after gettin' the water-wagon out to lay the doost, he'll be after 
disappearin' so fast. Everybody do say as ho\v Josiah went 
and drownded hissilf ruther'n be bossed all his loife by Miss 
Simpkins. {Dusts frantically.) I moost be after gettin' thim 
noospapers and all thim coomforts we was thinkin' of for a 
man. Shure and min do requoire a lot of lookin' after and en- 



AN OLD MAID S VENTURE 7 

cooragin', It^s me that knows it, you bit. {Laughs.) It do 
bate ail a man coomin* i;iere. Who was it now, some furrin 
gintleman named Shakesberry or somethin' loike that that sid 
an owld maid is not so bad until she quits strooglin'. Wance 
she gets resoigned and gives up the foight, shureand she's im- 
possible. I guess the missus is indoolgin' in her last stroogle. 
Begorry, I'm glad I'm livin' to see the fun whin Mr. Francis 
coomes. Off coom the tidies for ye, Mr. Francis. Min do be 
after hatin' these dingle dangles. Maybe he'll be after givin' 
me a tip now and thin, and under the mattress it goes, if he's 
that ginrous, with the rist of the cash me and Tim's savin' for 
the great ivint. 

Miss S. {dressed in old black silky white fichu ^ pink ribbon 
in hairy carrying house coat and slippers) . How very queer 
things look, Norah. {Sternly.) Where are all the tidies? 
Did they have to come off? Well, perhaps it is best, Norah. 
How do you think I look ? 

Norah. Shure, mum, and you look beautiful — grand. Ye 
don't look a day over forty-foive, mum, that and ye don't. 

Miss S. Norah, forty- five. {Walks arou7id the room y ap- 
proving her costume J) Come, we must hurry and get the food 
ready. He'll be very hungry after that long journey. Oh, I 
begin to be afraid that he won't come after all these prepara- 
tions. [Both exeunt. 

Enter Frances Smith, an attractive you?ig lady in a tailored 
suit with traveli?ig-bag. She looks around, 

Fran. What a charming little place ; but what is all this ? 
An ash-tray, a man's house coat, shppers ; why, it looks as if 
there were a man here after all, and I did feel sure that I would 
find a nice old maid living all alone. I hoped I could get 
away from all the male sex for a while. Since I sent Jack 
away I can't bear to think of m*en. This beautiful country — 
{looki?ig out of windoiv) what paintings I can make of the sun- 
sets and the hills. {Sees painting on wall.) Why, that looks 
like a picture in my family album ! It looks almost like my 
aunt whom we tried so hard to find just before mother died. 
Dear mother, she went away when she was eighteen, and never 
saw her sister again. She said she wouldn't forgive her, but 
I know she would have if we could only liave found her. I 
wonder where every one is. The advertisement said that there 
was a fairly competent Irish cook. She must be about some- 
where. {Sounds,) Some one is coming now. How disappointed 



8 AN OLD MAID S VENTURE 

MibS Simpkins vvill be when she sees that she's not to have a 
husband but a boarder. {Laughs,) 1 suppose it was dread 
ful of me to sign my name with an *' i " instead of an '* e." 

Miss S. {entering with pie, followed by Norah with dough- 
7iutSy newspapers, etc.). How do you do? Who are you? 
What do you want? Haven't you made a mistake? 

Fran. No, I came here in answer to your advertisement 
for a husband — or a boarder. I'm the boarder. (Miss S. 
sinks into chair, Norah takes in the situatiofi at once, and is 
highly amused,) You don't mind very much, do you? But 
tell me, I am so puzzled, who is this? (^Goes over to picture.) 
I can't understand. It is just like a picture in our family al- 
bum of my mother's sister whom we tried so hard to find when 
mother died. 

Miss S. Was your mother's name Daisy? It is. It is. 
I saw the resemblance when I first caught sight of you. I had 
that picture made for Josiah the Christmas before he went and 
got drownded thirty- five years ago. Your mother, my sister ! 
{Embraces niece.) Oh, bless your heart, I'm so happy and 
relieved. I didn't want a husband at all. I wanted you, I 
was so lonely. 

Norah. Shure, and we didn't want a nigger maybe or a 
man with a dog on the place, did we, now, mum? All min 
are a trouble, anyway, bless their souls. Shure, miss, and I 
was goin' to be after lavin' soon to start in the business of 
housekapin* for mysilf, that and I was, if a man coom here with 
all his extra work, but I'll be after stayin' a bit langer now, 
shure and I will. It will be good for Tim to kape him gissin' 
a whoile langer. (^Checks herself as Miss S. begins to listen. 
Ring at door,) The saints presarve us. Will wonders niver 
cease. If it ain't a tiligram. Sooch a day as weVe had. It's 
for you, miss. (^Hands telegram to Fran.) 

Fran. Oh, listen. Auntie. {Reads.) *' Have hunted you 
up. Arrive on next train. Will board for summer at Miss 
Lee's. Jack." (Shyly explains.) Jack is my fiance. We've 
had a quarrel, but it was all my fault, and now I can tell him 
I'm sorry. 

Miss S. So it seems we are to have a man around after all. 
Norah, we must have a fine big dinner for Mr. Jack to-morrow. 

Norah. Sure, mum, and ye'll have no need to be ashamed 
of me. I'm a fairly competent cook. 

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